Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The hardest question

Photo courtesy of thehoneybunny

Last night I found my wife's chocolate stash and decided to help myself to a piece. I knew it wasn't good for me, but after thinking about it for a moment I took a piece anyway. As if to prove a point, I got an instant headache.

What struck me was the thought process: I know this is bad for me and I'm going to do it anyway. I've written before about the urge to self-destruction, but this was a totally different energy. I wasn't doing something unconsciously or without realizing it was bad for me, I was choosing it intentionally. Why would I do that?

It led me to the hardest question: do I want to be sick? Is there some benefit to myself that makes me choose to be sick?

My daughter looked up at me the other day (when she was home sick from Kindergarten) and said: "Being sick is fun, I get to stay home with mommy and daddy, draw all day, and play on the computer." I stared at her for a moment before I said anything. I started looking back at my life and remembering the many times when I had the same reaction. Now I have to start looking at my life now and seeing if I am having that same reaction.

And then I have to ask myself the hardest question of all: do I enjoy being sick? And if the answer is "yes" than I know what my next stage of spiritual growth has to be.


  1. I know this post is old but as I am looking at your blog I keep getting triggered by your triggers, wonder why 
    If I have chocolate —which I love— I also regularly get an instant or delayed migraine. On the other hand, every once in a while I can get away with it. So it might be that the thought, my thought process, is not “I want to get sick” for the secondary “fun” gains that staying home with daddy and mommy but simply because I might be spared this one time again, I might get away with it  And isn’t that something all of our inner children want?

  2. Absolutely. I guess the question I'm asking is if we derive benefits from being sick, and thus make ourselves sicker to have more benefits.

    When we bite into that piece of chocolate, or rather in the brief pause before we bite, we need to be aware of our internal dialogue. Am I hoping that this once I won't get a headache? Am I hoping that I do?

    Lately I've been reflecting that some of my greatest comforts (ice cream in particular) are my greatest enemies. It's that moment when I realize that the things that I think nourish me, don't really do that. But I think that's a different post.